To free children from playing roles

1. Look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself or herself.
“Every time you wanted to give a gift you always made a gift with waste materials at home. You can be enterprising if you applied your mind.”

2. Put children in situations where they can see themselves differently.
“Would you like to manage kitchen for today?”

3. Let children overhear you say something positive about them.
“She stood by me to support me through the day in the kitchen even though she was not feeling great physically herself.”

Praise and Self-Esteem

1. Describe what you see.
“The floor looks clean.”

2. Describe what you feel.
“It is a pleasure to come in to a clean house.”

3. Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior with a word. “Neat.”

- from the book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

--
I Am New,
Krish Murali Eswar.

Some alternatives to “No”

1. Give information (and leave out the “No.)
“Can I go to play now?”
“We will be having dinner in five minutes.”

2. Accept feelings.
“I want to come after five more minutes.”
“It is hard to come away when you are enjoying so much.”

3. Describe the problem.
“I would love to come to play with you. The problem is I have to finish this report.”

4. When possible substitute a “Yes” for a “No”.
“Yes, certainly you can have an ice cream when you don't have fever.”

5. Give yourself time to think.
“Mom, I want to sleep over at R’s house.”

To Encourage Autonomy

1. Let children make choices.
“Are you in a mood to go to painting class today or not?”

2. Show respect for a child’s struggle.
“Getting up early can be hard. If you come with me for a walk every morning you’ll feel better. Or have a cup of fresh juice as soon as you wake up. Or pour some water on your face.”

3. Don’t ask too many questions.
“Good morning.”

4. Don’t rush to answer questions.
“That’s a good question. What is your answer?”

5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home.
“Maybe Professor Shashi can offer an idea.”

To Problem-Solve

Step 1: Talk about the child’s feelings and needs.

Step 2: Talk about your feelings and needs.

Step 3: Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.

Step 4: Write down all ideas – without evaluating.

Step 5: Decide which suggestions you like, which you don’t like, and which you plan to follow through on.

- from the book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

--
I Am New,
Krish Murali Eswar.

Instead to Punishment

1. Express your feelings strongly – without attacking character.
“I’m furious to know that you two are fighting again.”

2. State your expectations.
“I expect the two of you to resolve your differences without a fight.”

3. Show the child how to make amends.
“What this needs now is to sit and discuss with your sister.”

4. Give the child a choice.
“You can either resolve your differences or we find an external counselor who can help you two. Your choice.”

5. Take action.
“Why have you put us in two different rooms today?”
“You tell me why.”

To engage cooperation

1. Describe. Describe what you see, or describe the problem.
“Dirty feet on my bed.”

2. Give information.
“My blanket is getting dirty.”

3. Say it with a word.
“Dirty-feet.”

4. Talk about your feelings.
“I don’t feel like lying on a dirty blanket.”

5. Write a note.
“Please wash me before stamping your mom’s blanket. Thanks, your feet.”

- from the book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

--
I Am New,
Krish Murali Eswar.

Avoid

1. Blaming and accusing
“Can’t you ever listen to me?... How many times do I have to repeat myself?”

2. Name-calling
“You eat like a dirty pig… Only animals make sound when they eat.”

3. Threats
“If you are getting ready in five minutes, I am leaving without you.”

4. Commands
“I want you to take your bed in the next five minutes. Hurry up.”

5. Lecturing and Moralizing
“Don’t you think it is better to blah blah blah...”

6. Warnings
“If you grow up like this you’ll suffer when you’re older… Put on your slipper, otherwise you’ll get infection…”

To Help with Feelings

1. Listen with full attention.
2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word – “Oh” . . . “Mmm” . . . “I see.”
3. Give their feelings a name. (“That sounds frustrating.”)
4. Give them their wishes in fantasy. (“I wish I could send you to babysit right now.”)

- from the book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk' by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

--
I Am New,
Krish Murali Eswar.